In a move that has rocked the movie industry to its very core, Wal-Mart has stopped offering movie downloads on its website. Actually, the news didn’t rock anything, because only 12 people nationwide even knew Wal-Mart offered movies for download in the first place, and I’m one of them.

The decision came after Hewlett Packard announced that it would no longer be producing the software Wal-Mart used to operate its video on demand service. Wal-Mart immediately told HP to “suck it” and downloaded a full rip torrent of the program complete with keygen and 25 jpegs of upskirt porn. Unfortunately, the torrent was in a compressed RAR format and Wal-Mart is only running the free version of WinZIP, so the company scrapped the plan.

While you can no longer download movies from Wal-Mart’s website, you can still purchase DVDs online and have them shipped to you. This is sooooo 2004, but the only other option is to…go to a Wal-Mart store!

Going to a Wal-Mart store is a sometimes dangerous endeavor, due in most part to its high density of morbidly obese and/or inbred clientèle. Don’t get me wrong, I shop at Wal-Mart on a regular basis, but every time I’m in there I feel like I’m the only normal human being that’s been in that store for days. Do you get that feeling? It’s like visiting a circus sideshow after eating a trash bag full of shrooms.