I’ve often thought that the Indiana Jones movies should be turned into an ongoing franchise like the 007 movies - re-casting the role as necessary to keep the character within a certain age range. I’ve since changed my mind on this…really, no one else could be Indy other than Harrison Ford and anyone who tried would be promptly hunted down and drug to death in the city streets by his own bullwhip.

However, I think it does make an interesting thought experiment, or better yet, a good way to waste some time. So, here are my suggestions for who could play the role of an Indiana Jones perpetually stuck in his 30’s to 40’s should they re-cast the role for a movie today:

Sean William Scott:

He’s got that twinkle in his eye, that mischievous smirk, and a jaw square enough to split firewood with. Unfortunately, I don’t think he’d make it past the “Indiana Stiffler” jokes.

Christian Bale:

Bale has proven his action movie worthiness several times over in such flicks as Equilibrium and Batman Begins. Added bonus: he can pull of an American accent better than most Americans.

Hugh Jackman:

The only problem with Hugh Jackman playing Indiana Jones is that his adamantium bones and healing factor would make him less vulnerable to the bad guys, in turn, making him less the “ordinary man in extraordinary circumstances” like the classic Indy we are used to.

Matthew McConaughey:

I have a hard time envisioning Indiana Jones smoking a fat joint while playing bongos in the nude at 2:00 am and then getting busted by the Austin, Tx police department, but maybe we just don’t know as much about ol’ Indy as we thought we did.

Ryan Reynolds:

Remeber this guy from that sitcom Two Guys, A Girl, A Pizza Place, A Horrible Script, And A Cancellation? Me either…but I DO remember him from the FANTASTIC movie Van Wilder.

Vigo Mortensen:

He’s got A History Of Violence and rugged good looks. Sadly, I have a history of violence…namely taking the DVD of History Of Violence and setting it on fire after I saw it because it sucked.

Will Smith:

Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Oh, hayelll no! Ain’t no way Will Smiff can be Indiana Joneses!” But that’s because you’re a racist bigot! Or you’re a parent…because parents just don’t understand. Yo.

Jason Statham:

It’s likely that the star of The Transporter could transport the new Indiana Jones into places where he…it…yeah I got nothing.

Clay Aiken:

I’ve saved the best for last as you can most certainly see! After watching Aiken on American Idol bring America to it’s knees with his soulful, beautiful, crisp, and totally gay voice there can be no doubt that he would make a fantabulous Indiana Jones!

What current actors do you think could play Indy?

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For some reason, a lot of actors want to play music and/or be in bands. I guess it’s probably because they are artists and they have a pressing need to pursue any avenue of creativity available to them, although it probably has more to do with them being insecure attention hounds.

When an actor decides to be in a band it usually brings about disastrous results. We call this the Don Johnson Effect.

Here are some actors who have managed to make that shift into music and not totally suck at it. In fact, some of them are pretty damn good…

Ronny Cox

Ronny Cox, the actor who portrayed the corporate villian Vilos Cohaagen in Total Recall is a very talented guitarist and folk singer. The very guy who deprived the freakish mutant Maritian colonists of their precious air now regularly plays several folk festivals and small venues around the nation. Check out the Ronny Cox website for more info.

Juliette and the Licks

Juliette Lewis is probably most famously known for her role of Mallory Knox in 1994’s feel good movie of the year Natural Born Killers. But she is also quite the rocker. And a damn good one at that.

As frontwoman for Juliette and the Licks, Juliette Lewis screams out some of the dirtiest, balls-to-the-wall rock I’ve heard in a while. She’s got a great voice for rock and roll…and the hot bod doesn’t hurt either.

Dennis Quaid and the Sharks

Dennis Quaid - the charming, nice-guy actor with the smile that can turn a straight man gay in .06 seconds, and the star of such movie classics as Innerspace and The Right Stuff is also a rocker.

As frontman for Dennis Quaid and the Sharks he straps on an electric guitar and belts out rowdy, rawcous, roots rock. Dennis Quaid is often here in Austin and I will surely be checking out The Sharks the next time they perform.

Jason Schwartzman and Coconut Records

Jason Schwartzman’s cinematic debut in 1998’s quirky, instant classic Rushmore immediately solidified his career as a grade-A actor. But he’s also a grade-A singer/songwriter.

His “band” - which is pretty much just him - is called Coconut Records and its self-titled, debut album was recorded over the span of a week at a friend’s house.

Added bonus: If you purchase the CD from his record label’s webiste at Young Baby Records you’ll get a free gift: A poster sized polaroid picture taken just for you by him! Well, maybe it’s not taken just for you, but you can be guaranteed it’s a polaroid that no one else but you has. Here’s me with mine:

The Billy Bob Thornton Band

Billy Bob Thornton’s music is a little bit country and a little bit rock and roll. Actually, it’s a hell of a lot of country and a tiny squirt of rock and roll. But I’m not talking about the over produced, bullshit country music the likes of which you’ll find on most so called country stations today. I’m talking a gritty, introspective country. Real time-worn, rugged stuff.

The wife and I met Billy Bob once at a joint here in Austin called Stubb’s where my band was headlining one night. He was a super cool friendly guy and even let me take a pic of him with Roberta. Check my post about that here.

William Shatner

If you don’t like William Shatner then you need to be punched in the throat. Shatner is a self effacing, good natured guy who doesn’t mind being the butt of a joke. And his album Has Been is proof of that.

This album goes leaps and bounds beyond his famously awful spoken word version of Elton John’s Rocket Man and is actually an extremely well crafted piece of work. It’s funny and dark all at the same time.

Russell Crowe and 30 Odd Foot of Grunts

Last but not least, we have the ever cuddly Russell Crowe. Crowe’s band 30 Odd Foot of Grunts is pretty much just a huge mass of testosterone, black shirts, and guitars. Like Jason Schwartzman’s album, Russell Crowe’s comes with an added bonus: if you don’t like the music he personally comes to your house and steps on your face.

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Hey gang! I’ll be honest. This is a bit of an SEO experiment. This post is not really about any science fiction movie, it’s really an attempt to see how fast I can rank on Google and other search engines for the search term “science fiction movie.”

I’m sorry to disappoint you if you thought this was really a post about science fiction movies. Don’t get me wrong…I LOVE science fiction movies. Whether it’s Star Wars, Star Trek, or Zardoz, I love it all.

Speaking of Zardoz…that is one of the weirdest damn movies I’ve ever seen. If you’ve ever wanted to see Sean Connery in a leather unitard and flying around in a gigantic stone head, then this is the movie for you. If that last sentence made you say “WTF?!” then…well, this movie isn’t for you.

Well, I’ll get the hell out of your way. Again, sorry this isn’t really a post about any particular science fiction movie. I promise I’ll never do this again.

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My brother, who excels at being awesome, got me a Master Replicas lightsaber for Christmas. The one that lights up like a real lightsaber and makes all the cool sounds. I got him a $20 remote control helicopter from Wal-Mart made out of Styrofoam that spins out of control and crashes if you look at it funny. Sorry dude.

An added bonus about this lightsaber is that it scares the hell out of my dog. I guess it reminds her of lightening, which she is also terrified of. Or maybe she’s shell shocked from the Clone Wars, although I don’t think she was involved with that whole mess. Here I am showing it off:

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Steve Martin is, undoubtedly, one of the funniest and most influential comedians of the past 25 years, even if his latest movies have been just about as entertaining as a prolonged bout of constipation. Once, one of the weirdest, oddest and edgiest comedians out there, he’s now relegated his talents to cliche-ridden family movies and arthouse musings like Shopgirl or his much, much earlier book Cruel Shoes - one of my favorite books. Nothing wrong with the arthouse musings - Steve is a renaissance man - but it ain’t comedy. As for the Cheaper by the Dozen type of stuff…not too wild and crazy about that, myself. Here’s a list of what I think are the 9 best Steve Martin movies of all time…

The Jerk (1979)
How can you not love this movie?! Anyone who doesn’t like this movie should be punched in the neck. This is the loving tale of a lovable idiot trying to make it in the world…that’s my life story! Except that I wasn’t raised by a poor Southern Black family. I’m buying a thermos for this movie!

Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid (1982)
Here we have a classic spoof of the 40’s era film noir crime drama Steve Martin style. As funny as this movie is, it is actually exceptionally well shot and holds up well against the classic movies it pokes fun at.

The Man With Two Brains (1983)
This really, really is one of my all time favorite movies. Not only is it responsible for one of the most beautifully stupid poems in literary history:

Pointy birds
Pointy, pointy
Anoint my head
Anointy, nointy

It’s also given me my life’s philosophy in this line uttered by Dr. Hfuhruhurr:

I envision a day when the brains of brilliant men can be kept alive in the bodies of dumb people.

Ha, frickin’ Ha!

Three Amigos (1986)
Steve Martin. Chevy Chase. Martin Short. The concentrated comedy energy here is enough to destroy several small planets. This movie is so goddamn obscure it’s amazing it’s even in my list. But, holy crap, is it funny. The singing bush scene, alone, is worth spending your child’s college fund on.

The Little Shop of Horrors (1986)
While Steve didn’t have a large role in this flick as the sadistic 50’s era dentist, he stole the show for the time he was on screen. Little did we know he would later show up as a dentist in the drama Novocain which, just like the drug, put many people to sleep.

Roxanne (1987)
This is a modern day retelling of Cyrano de Bergerac, a story long forgotten by most, and not usually taught in modern day literature classes…where they now teach Sponge Bob Square Pants to 20 year olds because they graduated from public schools with barely enough intelligence to floss their tooth.

Planes, Trains and Automobiles (1987)
While you might mark this John Hughes flick as the beginning of Steve’s downward spiral into family comedy drollery, TP&A is still hilarious. The chemistry cultivated between Steve Martin and the late John Candy is priceless…both hilarious and heartbreaking.

Dirty Rotten Scoundrels (1988)
Steve Martin and Michael Cain cultivated a surprising comedic chemistry in this movie as two money hungry hustlers. The scene wherein Martin pretends to be a war vet paralyzed from the waist down while Michale Cain whips him in the shins will be expounded upon for generations! In fact, I have to embed a video of it right here for you kids:

Parenthood (1989)
If Planes, Trains, and Automobiles was the beginning of Steve’s decent into lame-ass family comedy, then this was his okay to deploy the landing gear. BUT, it is hilarious. Parenthood is a quirky little comedy that is everything Cheaper by the Dozen is not.

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